I waited over three months to post this because I wanted to see a long-term difference in my own anxiety before speaking about how I’m coping. Before I begin, I would like to preface this by saying that anxiety is different for everyone. I have been to therapy before and I highly recommend finding a therapist if you’re anxiety is interfering with your quality of life. And of course, start with medically recommended tips like exercise, breathing, meditation, diet, and limiting the amount of caffeine.
Lettuce begin.
My war with anxiety started about 8 months ago over an argument about pizza. I had put on some winter weight and wanted to lose it. At the time, pizza was the core of my boyfriend’s diet. I asked him to stop eating pizza while I was trying to diet and he told me I could simply not order it. This annoyed me.
The abbreviated conversation goes something like this:
“I don’t have self control.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I don’t. You don’t understand I’m mentally weak.“
This was a real conversation. That was the first time I heard myself say the words out loud, “I”m mentally weak.” If I was too mentally weak to turn down a slice of pizza, how could I ever accomplish anything? What other lies was I telling myself?
I know you’re probably thinking, what does this have to do with anxiety? This has everything to do with it.
My anxiety is caused by the conversation I have with myself about myself. The collision between self-doubt and aspiration creates a storm inside my mind. My trigger is negative and self-defeating thoughts that manifests into insomnia, hypochondria, restlessness, fear, insecurity, and stagnation. My mind tricks me into believing that I’m weak and incapable which prevents me from moving in any kind of direction. It gives me a list of excuses why I can’t accomplish something, why I’ll never be good enough and why it’s stupid to try. The resistance and the desire are at war which create a physical reaction called anxiety.
You got all that from the temptation of pizza?
Giving it a Name
Before the pizza fiasco of 2018, I didn’t know what caused my anxiety. Anxiety was just this part of me I’ve lived with for so long that I recognized the feeling, but never questioned the cause.
I started to pay close attention to the conversations I was having in my mind. I used to just say “I’m having anxiety” and run to go turn on a bath and light some candles to try to relax. But baths don’t wash away my thoughts, worries, insecurities. Now I’m just anxious and wet. I have spent so much time trying to run from it, sedate it, and cure it, but I have never tried to understand it. It’s hard to look deeper and listen to the triggering thoughts from an outsider perspective. I began to keep a notebook with me and I gave a name to the feeling aside from just “anxiousness.”
By becoming conscious of the thoughts and giving a name to the feeling, I can take control of the conversation instead of just accepting the repetitious mean voice inside my head.
For Example:
“I’m feeling… overwhelmed”
What were the thoughts I was having before this feeling came on? I was thinking about all the projects I wanted to do.
What’s overwhelming about that? I don’t know how I’ll have enough time or if I’m good enough.
How can I make more time? I can limit time watching Netflix, wake up earlier, set time limits and deadlines to be more disciplined.
How do you get better? By doing it consistently.
What action can I take right now? Write down priority projects, start one project.
or another example
I’m feeling…. unproductive
What we’re the thoughts you were having before this, “I want to write.”
What are you currently doing, “Scrolling on Twitter.”
What action can I take right now? “Write.”
Thoughts are powerful even when you aren’t listening. Consciousness means control. The list of feelings is endless: I feel incapable; I feel like a failure; I feel ugly; I feel untalented; I feel lost; I feel misunderstood. This exercise solved the fictional problems in my head and reminds me that it’s just a trick. I am not what I feel I am. The only way to prove it is to do it. Addressing what thoughts I’m having, what problems my mind has created, and coming up with a solution for them allows my mind to settle the issue, move on, and rest. It’s a daily practice. The more I recognize the problem, the more I take action, the more in control I feel, the more confident I become.
When I feel untalented, I’ll write down a list of accomplishments I’m proud of. I’ll enroll in a class to learn, I’ll watch YouTube videos to figure out what I’m not understanding.
When I feel like a failure, I’ll look back at dreams or goals from when I was a younger and see how much I’ve managed to do. I’ll write down a list of realistic things I can do that would make me feel accomplished.
When I feel lost, (this one is a life-long battle) I ask myself what do I feel compelled to do? I believe that everyone knows what their calling is. If you’re like me, you’re resisting it. The resistance, the unfulfilled potential, the curiosity of what could be is what stirs my anxiety. This is my hardest one. But recognizing that the unfilled potential is my trigger and coming up with a solution forces me to do the work I’m hiding from.
Optimizing Your Value
There are 24 hours in the day, but not all hours are of equal value to me. I learned what time of day I feel most at ease and figured out how to optimize those hours to make me feel as relaxed as I can. But that means, I need to increase my productivity during the remaining hours so I can have a clear mind and enjoy my dedicated time of relaxation.
What calms you?
For me, it’s being out in nature and witnessing every single sunset. It’s walks and bike rides at dusk.
Your perfect day will be different than mine; it could be drinking coffee in the morning, listening to music at 2 am, reading a book in the parking lot at work, playing a video game on your lunch break. Whatever it is, those moments are valuable to our mental and emotional health. If I know 10/10 times I’ll feel relaxed after going on a bike ride around sunset, why waste that time by watching tv, scrolling through Instagram, or working on a project I procrastinated doing all day?
By being mindful, I’ve noticed my feelings are like clockwork.
In the morning, I feel productive, excited, confident.
In the middle of the day, I start feeling anxious. I want to be outside with the sun.
In the evening after the sunset, I feel lazy. I want to snuggle on the couch and watch Netflix.
There are different versions of me at every hour of the day.
I am my best working self in the morning.
I am my best connected and grateful self in the sunshine until sunset.
I am my best relaxed self at night.
I need to be synchronized with each of my selves by doing what I do best, when I do it best. If I bingewatch TV in the morning, I know I am wasting my best hours of productivity. If I decide to run errands at sunset, I know I’m wasting moments of clarity, connection, and gratitude. I know if I try to start writing at 9pm, I’m wasting hours of relaxation and entertainment. All trigger anxiety. Even worse, I am working on my computer until 12-1am and when I try to sleep, I see symbols, e-mails, reminders of to-do’s in my head. It clutters my mind and keeps me up with new thoughts and work when I need to reset.
For me to be my best self, I have to take advantage of every single moment that calms me and brings me joy. So, if before I would’ve slept through the early morning hours now I’m up before the sun and I work uninterrupted so that I can have my time to be out in the sunshine with nature.
“Christie, that’s great for you. But it’s not practical. I have a 4 hour commute to and from work. I don’t even get home from work until after 8pm.”
- Do you need to race home to sit in traffic? If the answer is no, take a detour and find a spot that calm you, even if it’s just 20 minutes. Give yourself that. Your schedule may make it impossible to do the thing that relaxes you the most, but it is always possible to find something.
- Your state of relaxation doesn’t have to look anything like mine. Having a 4 hour commute means you have 4 hours of idle time that you can use to your advantage.
Maybe you’re best connected is in the morning and you can listen to meditative music on the Headspace or Calm app on your way to work. Maybe you’re best working self is during the evening rush hour; what’s something you can listen to during those 4 hours that will help you learn? I would love to give you recommendations, but this is unique to you. If you want to get more certifications to advance in your career, practice your interviewing skills, maybe you want to be a writer or an artist, learn a new language, learn to cook (no, i’m not kidding), learn photography, your options are limitless. And there is a podcast or audiobook for everything and anything. You just need to take the initiative to find it and listen so you can use that time to feed your best working self.
There’s a million excuses that you’ll make up to tell you that you don’t have the time to stop what you’re doing and focus on yourself. This process takes an enormous amount of consistent self-reflection, but it’s worth the try to figure out what hours in your 24 you value most, increase your productivity during the hours you value least so that you can find a way to optimize the time that brings you the most joy.
P.S. When you’ve done the work and show up as your best self, just remind yourself that you did the best you could today and that is enough.
Essential Oils
And lastly, I need to mention essential oils.
One of my worst side effects of anxiety is insomnia. The amount of frustrating nights I’ve spend tossing and turning only to still be up with the sun is endless. Anxiety puts this weight on my chest that’s so heavy when I actually do fall asleep I wake up gasping for air. It’s awful.
(It’s happens significantly less then before, but it still happens.)
After years of adamantly refusing to believe that these “magic potions” (as I would call them) could solve my problems with anxiety and insomnia, I decided to just give it a try.
I will feel the weight on my chest and know it’s another night of restlessness, I’ll put lavender in between my hands and inhale and rub it on my upper lip and I can feel the weight lift. I don’t know how, why, but in a few minutes I feel calm and I’m drifting. I use it every night now. I don’t even try to sleep without it. I keep a small bottle with me at all times now.
If you’re interested, the brand I use is Vitruvi. I chose Vitruvi specifically because of it’s work with One Girl Can. I believe in our consumer spending power and using our money to contribute to something bigger than ourselves.How we spend our money can have a positive impact. One Girl Can is an international organization that gives mentorship and education to girls in Africa.
Whenever I feel anxious, I go through this process: I name the trigger, I come up with a solution and I’ll rub lavender on my wrists and hands and inhale. I work according to each of my selves and I try my best to remind myself that I’m doing the best that I can today.
I hope this can help someone else who deals with the same kind of anxiety as me. If you’re reading this and feel overwhelmed by your anxiety, please reach out. I know it’s overwhelming and I’m happy to listen. But also know that therapy is for everybody. You don’t have to be on the verge of a breakdown to look for help. Investing in your mental health is the best investment of your life.
Wishing you mental peace.
With love,
CK
XOXO
