Read this if you feel like you’re lost and falling behind

I was on the verge of tears when I turned 21. “You are still young and have the whole world ahead of you,” I was reminded. Yes, there was this great big world and I had to decide who I wanted to be in it and it felt imminent, dangerous, and terrifying. Everyone around me was moving so quickly, making decisions for their rest of their lives in an instant and there I was, standing still and dizzy from all the commotion. Moving in any type of direction felt finite; like I was chaining myself to a choice because it meant time and money and I wasn’t allowed to be wrong. So I stayed still while everyone moved ahead of me. The years started passing as quickly as the people around me.

During all of those years of insecurity and confusion, every birthday was like a countdown. Another reminder that time was passing and I wasn’t moving. When it was time to blow out my candles, I always made the same wish “mental peace.” I needed my mind to stop convincing myself that I was doomed.

On my 28th birthday, for the first time since I was 21, I felt hopeful as I blew out my candles. My wish had finally come true.

I personally know how challenging it is to feel like you have to make decisions you’re unsure of while dealing with the fear of falling behind.  It can be a long, dark road those insecurities lead you down. I wanted to share a few things I learned that helped me through those years.

When I was in high school, I would take a test and then look around me to make sure everyone else had the same answers. And then I would panic when they were different. I would listen to a teacher’s directions and wait for other people to begin to make sure I understood them correctly. Even in photography, I would constantly ask photographers what settings they were shooting on, what lens they were using, just to make sure I was doing it right.

This was one of the things that kept me stagnated for years.  I couldn’t trust my own decisions. And if you don’t trust yourself, you’re screwed. From someone who has spent their entire life asking the question, “how”. I found one consistent answer, “you just begin.”

 Stop looking around for answers. You have them all. You can start small. That means the outfits you wear, the photos you post, the captions you write, the texts you’re about to send, the plans you want to make. It sounds trivial but when you stop looking for the stamp of approval of others, you teach yourself to stop needing anyone’s opinion but your own. As this skill expands, so does your authenticity. You learn to listen to your thoughts and question yourself more. And you can start sharing the way you see the world instead of trying to figure out the exact way someone else does.

This has a snowball effect. You start to ask yourself daily, “what do I actually want?” You start to see how much of your decisions are made to please other people. Now, you can finally say no to things that aren’t for you so you can make space and time for the things that are.

And even better, the more your trust your own choices, the less you compare your life to others, which I know is one of the most toxic side effects of social media. The more you own each and every decision you make, the more confident you become in the life you’re creating.You’re listening to yourself and it’s easier to cancel out the noise.

You know what is best for you more than anyone else in the world. Trust that.

I was good at a lot of things and great at nothing. I was seeing how amazing, super-human, genius other people are in their craft, and then there is me, average. Just good, not great.  Being average at a lot of things is pretty much the same thing as being bad at everything because your focus is everywhere. I was moving an inch in 10 different directions, while someone else moved 10 inches forward in one.

So how do you choose one thing?I wrote down a list of all the things I am best at and jobs that coordinated with my talent. I came up with human connection and story telling, and from there I decided to focus all of my efforts on photography. And if it was the wrong direction, I could always try something knew.

See everything feels final. You have to make a choice and stick with it. No, no you don’t. Every choice you’ve ever made leads you to where you are. They are lessons leaned. And sometimes the lesson is, “this isn’t for me.” That’s not failure, that’s experimentation.

I have been doing photography on and off since high school. I wasn’t good, but it was always something I loved. In my college photo club, I remember doing an anonymous photo critique where my photo was absolutely ripped apart. They asked whose photo it was and I refused to admit it was mine. My roommate knew and she was kind enough to raise her hand and say she liked the colors.  God bless her. See pic below

You can’t rely on your “natural gifts” because you will inevitably be disappointed and discouraged. Most people aren’t naturally gifted or “genius.” The people who seem absolutely brilliant have developed better habits of discipline, focus, and taking small, daily steps towards one specific goal.

My favorite photographer most likely sucked at first too. If you suck right now, great. Be God-awful. You do not know what you’re doing and that is absolutely fine, because you’re doing it. And one day, people will ask you how you did.

My point is, convincing yourself that everyone else is naturally better than you just inhibits your own growth. Everyone improves with practice. Your best will be better tomorrow.

I laugh sometimes when people ask me questions about photography now. I think of the girl who was mortified in our old photo lab.  I was trying so hard and felt like everyone else just saw things that I didn’t. I learned as I went.

 Remind yourself that everyone is also figuring it out as they go.

I read books in the fields I love: photography, film, theater, writing. I watch Youtube tutorials constantly. I go to workshops, classes, and meet-ups. I constantly e-mail people I admire asking them questions on how to get better. I spent a lot of time doing things that at times feel frustrating and meaningless because there aren’t any tangible, immediate results, but it’s about the long game. Slow progress is progress.

 It’s just about consistently putting the passion into practice. I started to tell myself, “if I start now and I do this everyday until I die at 80, I’ll have been doing this for 52 years. Imagine how good I’ll be after 52 years.” How exciting is that?

My favorite Google search was, “How old was … when they…?” And I would read a number and say, “Well it’s too late for me. Back to bed.” That fear of feeling like you’re running out of time and falling behind is the hardest hump to get over. I started feeling like this when I was 19! Imagine, I told my 19-year old-self that it’s too late and everyone else is too far ahead. It hurts to think about where I would be at 28, if I had been consistent since I was 19. But now I’m hopeful of where I’ll be at 38. It’s about the time you put in now, not the time that’s already passed.

I just read the book, Where the Crawdad’s Sing by Delia Owens. This is Delia’s first novel ever and she has topped the NYT Best Seller chart for 48 consecutive weeks with over 1 million hard-copies sold. Delia is 70 years old.

You are not falling behind. Get to work.

There were weeks when the anxiety and fear of falling behind were so heavy that my brain was foggy, my body was fatigue, and all I could do was sleep. I made a book for those bad days to remind myself of my value and my values. And after reading, I always knew I was going to be okay.

Inside was a list of what I wanted out of my life, a love letter to myself, along with a collection of nice notes, birthday cards, or thank you letters all the way back from high school. Some people have no idea that a letter they wrote me 10 years ago is a thing I hold onto when I am the saddest.

I know that it’s weird to write a love letter to yourself, but when you’re at war with your mind, your thoughts are cruel and you obsess over all of your flaws. I needed to work on my relationship with myself and control the thoughts into a more positive conversation. The words needed to be mine; an honest form of self-love. I don’t think I ever expected to rely on this letter from my 22-year-old self as much as I have. But it’s up to us to see myself the way our loved ones do.

So why the old letters? All of the worries and insecurities that life throws at you, it’s hard to remember that who you are is not how you make money or how much of it you make. There is no monetary value on what you give to the people in your life. You can not measure how much joy you have given your friends and family. The lives we touch is our greatest legacy. It’s all we leave behind. Everything else is just noise.

I hope you find the mental peace you need.

Keep your head up and march on,

All my love, always

Christie.