“You won, ok? You hurt me more. Do you feel better now?” No. There was no trophy for fighting cruelty with cruelty. No vindication. All I felt was anger. This wasn’t me. I was terrified of what I was becoming.
There was no rainbow after his hurricane. People make things seem so easy. I thought if I just leave and don’t turn back, I can start over and be brand new. But after a snake bites, you’re still stuck with the venom. His ghost followed me everywhere. I was haunted by his memory in every new face I met.
His lies weren’t the knife. The stab to my back was worrying I would carry this burden with me in every relationship I pursued after. From that point on, I would read every facial expression, every flinch, overanalyze every word a person said. I had to find the truth. He broke my future relationships before they ever had a chance. I was wounded and resentful and It only made me hate him more. I guess if we were DOA, everyone else had to be too right?
I was supposed to learn and grow from this, but I couldn’t see how. I just wanted to drill something in my brain to erase his memory completely. I wanted nothing but amnesia. I’d close my eyes and beg, “Please stop haunting me.” I just wanted to go back to the girl I was before.
I couldn’t stop lingering on the why and how. Why did he do it? And how did he get away with it? I was smarter than this. “You had to know something” No. “Do you think you were ignoring signs?” Yes, because I sincerely believed he loved me and I thought someone who loves a person this much would never even risk the chance of losing them. It was inconceivable to me that he would sacrifice us.
I thought maybe answers would heal me. When he finally answered honestly, he almost had a smirk on his face like he thought he was so clever and I realized this was a stupid ass idea. Focusing on why something happened was never going to change that it did. I had to forget about his reasons why and start understanding why I chose to stay.
