Bleeding heart

The day the doctors told my family that my grandpa needed dialysis, my sister, Michelle, and I were optimistic. We sat on his hospital bed as he sat in his chair, we tried to act normal and laugh and joke like we always did. He gave us forced smiles and half chuckles as a transparent way to conceal his fear. We came home to find our mother in a mood that mirrored his. Michelle and I were reassuring her. It’s not a big deal. I’ll drive him once a week and keep him company for a few hours.”It’s not that easy”, she said. I didn’t understand. “His heart is very weak. He can’t live without dialysis, but his heart is not strong enough to handle it.” The moment she said it, I knew this would be the worst year of my life.

I bursted into hysteria in typical Christie fashion. “I shouldn’t have told you” My sister slept over so we could keep each other company. But I was wide awake the whole night, shaking, scared, and soaked in tears. They were wrong. They had to be.

Next week will be 6 months since he’s been gone and I’ve made no progress healing. It almost feels like the more time that passes the worse I get. I feel alone and crazy constantly. I have nightmares and dreams about him dying. Just last night, I had a dream I was searching for him in a crowded field screaming “Papa” because I forgot he was gone. I can’t even get peace in my dreams. 

I remember the first year my grandmother died. My grandpa was cranky the entire year. Rude may be a better word. He was distant and quiet. I never understood until now. I feel disoriented, angry, cranky, indifferent towards everyone. I’m snapping at people for things I would never snap at before. Half the time, I feel crazy that I can’t get myself back together. The other half of the time, I’m angry with people who expect me to be.

I feel like the sunshine doesn’t hit my soul anymore. Everything is dulled. I don’t feel warm and fuzzy like I used to. I don’t get excited about the things that used to excite me. I just feel numb.

I don’t know if people around me see how sad I really am. I think most of the time I do an ok job at concealing it. This is the first time I truly understood that sometimes you can’t see what people are going through. You just see the brave face and not the bleeding heart. But there are times when someone will catch my far out stare and know that I am somewhere else, somewhere dark. My heart hurts. I can’t turn that off even though I want to.

I am a hard person to console. I’m reclusive in general, but this has pushed me further into a world of isolation. I miss my friend and no one can heal the ache in my heart. And I have been trying to figure it out on my own. But it seems like the more I try to heal, the more people I break. I don’t know how to fix it.