I understood my passion, but I still didn’t have a career. And I still didn’t have the courage to admit that I had no clue what the hell I was doing and I wasn’t okay.
I really didn’t know what to do so I turned to prayer. I wasn’t a church goer, but I always had faith in God.I would ask him nightly, Please Lord give me the answers. He never spoke back. I didn’t know what I was supposed to hear or supposed to look for, but I just kept on praying. I realized I was giving Him a burden that belonged to me. God could stand with me, keep me company and comfort, but he could not force me to start living no matter how many times I prayed. So instead of praying for answers, I prayed for two things; help and the courage to ask for it.
I put my faith in Him. I was created intentionally for a purpose and it was up to me to figure out what that was. I focused on accepting who I am in this moment because she is the only one who exists.
The girl of the past is gone. I’m not tied to her mistakes.The mountains I am anticipating to climb aren’t real, but today is. If I wanted to really live then I had to start appreciating the present. When I became overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, I gave it to God and kept going. I slowed down. I’m not falling behind, I told myself, I’m just moving at my own pace. I’m taking care of myself first.
The girl of the past is gone. I’m not tied to her mistakes.The mountains I am anticipating to climb aren’t real, but today is. If I wanted to really live then I had to start appreciating the present. When I became overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, I gave it to God and kept going. I slowed down. I’m not falling behind, I told myself, I’m just moving at my own pace. I’m taking care of myself first.
Changing the mindset from “what am I going to do with my life” to “what am i going to accomplish today” changed everything for me. It eased my mind from chasing enormous ideas I was never going to catch up to.
But I still had to say the words “I’m not okay” out loud and to actual people that weren’t paid professionals. I had to stop pretending like I had a plan.
“I’m not okay. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m a mess. I don’t know where to start.” As soon as I said it, I would feel weight flying off my shoulders. I felt clean. This had been my worst nightmare for 3 years. The cartoonish characters in my mind that were supposed to be maniacally laughing at me right now were silent.
I was showered in love, comfort, and support. I was overwhelmed, but in a way that actually felt good for a change. Finally, I knew I was going to be okay. Once my mask came off, it wasn’t going back on. I was not okay and I didn’t know what I was doing and that was that. When someone asked, I’m figuring it out became my routine response.
But then something strange happened. My honesty about my messy life encouraged other people to come clean too. One by one, people started admitting their own fears for their future. And the charade of “perfect lives” ended. My fear was over. I won the war. Slowly. Very very slowly. But I finally won.
Three years ago, admitting any of this to anyone would have sent me into cardiogenic shock. But I’m not who I was three years ago, two years ago, even a year ago. All I have is the woman I am today. And today, I’m not afraid of people’s opinions. Authenticity is the one thing I demand of myself. What am I going to do today that will make me happy tomorrow? That’s all I can really ask for.
