So I had a direction, but my “plans” were more like a vision board of really big ideas with missing steps on how to get there. I believe in the power of visualization, but I also believe you have to visualize what you’re going to do tomorrow. The big picture is too overwhelming and it defeated me.
When I isolated myself from the world, my mind filled up with stories and day dreams that helped me escaped reality. It was difficult for me to focus on real life. The people closest to me believed I was flakey and spacey, but I just happened to live in a different world inside of my mind that I enjoyed a little bit more. Alone time was never lonely. I felt relived when people left me unburdened so my mind could drift and play. Sometimes I wondered, “can’t this be enough?”
I tried to take my mind to pen and paper, but I could not adequately write the visions in my mind. And again, I started to feel like I had a useless talent. What good is dreaming of stories all day long if you can’t transfer them into words? I must have written a million stories in my life time that are trapped inside my brain. When I try to write them down, they become messy and discombobulated. It flows in my mind. Its articulate and well thoughout. Its powerful and creative. Whenever I try to transfer it, I disappoint the girl inside my mind who’s shouting “you’re saying it wrong!”
I was expecting to be brilliant at something that I have never really tried to do before. I never cut myself slack and let myself be terrible until I’m bad. Bad until I’m decent. Decent until I’m good. Good until I’m great. Great until I’m brilliant. Its like that damn vision board again. I have expectations right off the bat to come out swinging with the NYT best seller that I never let myself take the first step. The vision is too big. I create goals that are beasts that ultimately stagnate and defeat me. I have taken down the vision board with photos of big dreams outside of the realm of reality for today. I don’t mean that in a never going to happen sense, but its never going to happen today. I started replacing those beastly goals with questions like “What do I want to accomplish today? What am I going to write tomorrow?” And I started making goals like “try to write one 3 page story” vs “write a best selling novel”, “write a short film” vs. “be an oscar-winning screenwriter”, “join an acting group” instead of “take on Meryl Streep”, “Go out and take a picture” vs. “Shoot for Vogue”
Suddenly, I had purpose. I had a step and I knew what to do. I designated time to sit and write instead of looking at a vision board that told me one day I’ll be a best selling author, but never actually sat down to author anything. The more honest I was to myself about my self defeating habits, the more free I felt to live inside the real world. I wasn’t hiding anymore to be safe. I started to channel my thoughts to build on whatever talent I have. Finally, my wheels were turning.
