I unraveled slowly. My feet were plastered to the floor; incapable of taking a step forward or back. But my mind was racing. “Okay, I’ll just do it, I’ll go to law school. No. I can’t. I’ll go back to grad. But for what? If I don’t know what I want to be, I’m just wasting more money and time.
Every time I said, “I got it. I know what I’m going to do!” I lifted my foot off the ground and my gut said put that foot right back down and it was back to the drawing board. Nothing felt like me. I was trying to bend and reshape myself to fit a career and it wasn’t working.
Another summer ended and another fall was coming in and I hadn’t moved an inch. And then came Sue Rubin, my eternal friend. She saw me drowning at sea and with her grace and courage, she brought me back to shore. I always thought, how is it possible that a person who is surrounded with so much darkness can exude so much light?
Sue is another volunteer at Camp Adventure and a breast cancer survivor herself. The chemo therapy used to eradicate the cancer also poisoned her mind leaving her with bipolar disorder and brain fog.
I really truly believe that God brings people into your life exactly when you need them. After camp, she asked me to come over to help her with her daughter’s wedding because she couldn’t do it with her mental limitations. I went to her house thinking I was helping the “cancer lady” (as my grandpa used to call her) and she wound up being my guardian angel.
I went to her house every night after work to help her with the wedding. When she began her new life as a cancer survivor, she picked up a new hobby as a writer. I would go over all her writing and I was in awe of her. She is the bravest person I ever met. Her writing is raw, unfiltered, unapologetic, and unashamed about her mental battles. She was honest in way that I never could be, even about the things you’re not supposed to admit out loud and for the first time in a couple of years I remember the feeling of inspiration.
She has more mental limitations than any person I had met and she gets out of bed everyday with a plan. This is a woman who has real barriers and they still can’t hold her back. So who was I to live a life of self pity when I had a fully capable mind and body?
In the same way she was honest with herself, she gave me the same no bullshit-type honesty. Aside from my mother, she was the first person to call me out. For Christmas, her gift to me was a session with therapist (the most thoughtful and needed gift of my life, but also a ballsy ass gift to give someone.) That’s exactly why I love her. I had no intention of opening up to the therapist. I was going to do what I always did, pretend like I had it all together. 32 seconds into the conversation and my voice began to crack. 45 seconds in and I was in full emotional breakdown. That was the first time I actually let the emotion escape my mind and I actually said honest words out loud.
I think the most important lesson 2015 taught me was to admit when you need help, ask for it, and then listen with the intention to learn. When you feel beaten and defeated, like life keeps punching and kicking, you’ve lost your way, and you can’t take much more then you have to say it out loud. When you are looking and praying for answers, pay attention to who’s around you. Sometimes people are gifts. And this one is my favorite of them all. Thank you Sue for being my friend, my football coach when I need a pep talk or a good kick in the ass. Sometimes all you ever really need is a friend who cares and is insane enough to tell you the truth.
